I Hid in a Toilet at a Networking Event and Realised I Do Not Belong
I saw that fitting-in is a hustle. Real belonging is the true path of least resistance.
Core Insight
In this article, I examine the difference between trying to fit in and experiencing genuine belonging. I reflect on why social settings like networking can feel draining when they require performance rather than acceptance. By exploring my own experiences, I show that belonging is rooted in emotional safety and authenticity, not visibility or social approval.
This is article #4: The Need for Belonging
Part of a 7-Human Needs series on Why We Do The Things We Do.
Feel free to go through the other articles in the series:
Need #1: Safety
Need #2: Curiosity
Need#3: Meaning
Need#4: Belonging (You are here)
Need#5: Thriving
Need#6: Overflow
Need#7: Freedom
I spent the better part of my life trying to fit in.
In my teenage years, I tried to be a cool kid. Of course, being a saxophonist helps but I was still the “band nerd”.
When I entered the workforce (be it part-time or full-time), I kept trying to fit in to the “cool” crowd. Whether it was the boss who wanted the work done immediately or the well-liked colleague who bullies you by teasing you publicly, I gave in to their demands and became a chameleon.
Being a chameleon has its benefits like promotions and extra money in the bank every month but it does nasty things to your brain-heart connection.
Is this the high-performer’s curse? Are we so good at adapting that we forget who is actually doing the adapting?
On one hand, I wanted to belong. But on the other, I wanted to withdraw.
I had “circles”. People want to join my circle. I even observed how people tried to smile their best smiles at my husband when I brought him to a company event.
But I was tired. That kind of exhaustion was indescribable.
It became so bad that at a regular networking event, I hid in a toilet cubicle and only emerged until the event was almost over. Not only did I lack a sense of belonging anywhere, I felt sick at the thought of networking.
Mind you, I used to shine at those events. I was the one who introduced new contacts to my colleagues and even superiors.
Prior to that “hiding incident”, my mum had a health scare, which triggered all my questions about the meaning of life. Suddenly, the cliques that I thought I belong to didn’t felt right at all. Correction: they didn’t felt right all the while, I just managed to suppress them for years.
That hiding incident was about a decade ago. Soon after leaving the corporate world, I changed my mobile phone number and ghosted all except two good friends.
Fitting in is the opposite of belonging.
Fitting in is actually a survival mechanism and runs on pure automation. When your need for safety kicks in, your brain tells you to suppress your quirks or your unpopular opinions so you don’t get rejected. Know that this requires constant energy and you are in a state of high friction.
Fitting in is also another form of hustling because you are working hard to be palatable.
When you shape-shift to fit into a group, you are essentially reinforcing the belief that your natural state is inadequate, that you are unsafe. That is why you feel tired after networking events, as if you’ve run a marathon. It’s so damn tiring to keep holding up that shield.
On the other hand, belonging is different. When you belonging, you are in flow. It happens when your nature shines. One good example will be in Substack. Many of us here are writers / creators. We feel belonged here as we write and express ourselves as well as interacting with other creators here. When we bump into others writing the same topic, we don’t see them as competitors, we see them as synergies and cheer them on, encourage them.
The Mindset Shift: The Audience of One
Toto was a Jack Russell Terrier and he never once tried to be an English Bulldog. He was stubborn and loves hunting/chasing games.
When we went to the dog park, he didn’t care about other dogs at the park. He would find other owners who were playing ball with their dogs and tried to chase the balls that they threw (and not return the balls). I had to chase after him to retrieve the ball and apologize to those owners and their dogs but Toto absolutely didn’t care. He did what he wanted to, with absolute certainty.
And because he wasn’t trying to be something else, he belonged everywhere he went.
This is the shift we need to make. We need to stop seeking approval to simply be.
You cannot find belonging by looking outside for it. You have to anchor it within you. If you don’t belong to yourself, you will always feel like a fraud in someone else’s company.
Real belonging feels like an exhale. It is the absence of the need to explain yourself.
Finding the Path of Least Resistance
So, how do we trigger this? How do we find our people without adding “Networking” to our to-do list?
As usual, we do it by being lazy:
The next time you are in a social setting or a meeting, catch yourself when you are about to say something just to smooth things over or to appear competent.
Stop.
Take a breath.
Say the true thing instead of the clever thing. Or say nothing at all.
Yes, it is that simple. I’m not gonna lie, it is terrifying at first. You will feel naked without your shield. But know that this is your need for safety kicking in. When you stop performing for others, the people who only liked your mask will fall away. Let them go.
The people who remain? Those are your people. They are the ones who accept your inner brilliance.
Always remember:
We cannot be liked by everyone.
You are not a product to be marketed. You are a person to be known.
The most efficient way to find where you belong is to show your true brilliance and let the right people find you.
It’s not your job to fit into the world. It’s your job to be your best authentic self so that the world knows where to place you.
That is the ultimate freedom. That is the lazy way home.
Missed a step in the series?
Article #4: The Need for Belonging (You Are Here)
P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day! This article was scheduled to be published on V-Day just as I was flying off with hubby on our annual CNY trip.
And since it’s V-Day, I want to take this opportunity to thank my husband for being “my people”. He accepts me for who I am and have been my anchor forever, even though I can be a bitch at times.
I Love You, Ryan Ang. To the moon and back. ❤️
💡 Question: How do you show up authentically?
Please share it in the comments so we can all learn from you too.
P.S. Creating from a place of Sanctuary requires a commitment to rest. If you’d like to support the “Unforced Brilliance” of this series, you can buy me a bubble tea. It’s a small act of participation that helps keep this space thriving.
This article is #4 in the series of 7 Human Needs – Why we do the things we do?
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Networking events are exhausting.
I can absorb them for a short period of time and I leave.
A three day event is like a life time.
I will go for half a day and then get outside or go do something else.
I used to feel like I had to stay for the whole event since most of them I paid to attend.
Nope - when I am full. I leave.
Partying hard right now, but I’ll be back with something more thoughtful